I think we all know which writer inspired this post

So a few days ago, I posted a question for you guys to answer. “What does love mean to you?” inspired by a recent posting by a writer I like. I was anxious to read the results, because love means something different to everyone. There was also a secondary question, that some of you answered, “If you are in a relationship, how did you know and when?”

Here are your responses:

Melissa M: Love, to me, is chemistry plus honesty, communication, respect and trust.

Chris: Love’s definition: The desire to change everything about yourself for someone who wouldn’t change a thing about you.

Tory: Love is the greatest thing you can feel for someone and it is the greatest feeling when it is returned. A part of me fell in love with Warren as soon as I laid eyes on him that night that you and Chris introduced us. I’m so glad we ended up together. He is the love of my life.

Mike: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” ~Eph 5:25. Find a man that makes you feel like this everyday of your life, and you’ll know what true love is

Luciana: Ok, let’s see. I was pretty sure M was the one on our first date. It was a big group of us though. So later that week we went on a double date and I laughed and like touched his leg and there were sparks. He looked at me at that moment and we never looked back.
3 months later 1/2 my family died and he stepped up as the man in the family. (I could take up your WHOLE page going on about this.)
So love to me is self-less, devoted, passionate, all encompassing, ever changing, EASY(though not always, mostly we have and easy relationship, we MAKE it that way), constant forgiveness, and never waisting too much time doing anything but loving each other and never going to bed (or anywhere) angry.
I suck at short answers. (and no, Lu, I loved this answer. Perfect. =) )

Warren: Love is a bond. A commitment to want that person to be apart of your life. A daily choice to do your best to improve their life that day. A never ending learning experience about the one you love. I knew I loved Tory about 14 months into my over seas tour. When I called her she always talked to me. She always wanted to be with me. That was the most awesome thing because I was on the other side of the world from her.

Stephanie R: Hmmm. I honestly don’t remember when I knew I was in love with Steve, and we first said our “I love you”s when I was just 16…not that you can’t know what love is then, but I’m pretty sure we both have different, probably more accurate definitions of what it means to be in love now. I feel like love is seeing yourself spending the rest of your life around that person despite the flaws, but recognizing that there are flaws there – no one is perfect, you or your significant other. Also, Steve is the one person that I can feel like I can be completely 100% myself around, regardless of the situation. I think that’s pretty important.

Lydia: Love is not something you go “In” and “Out” of. Love is a choice not a feeling. Love is when your husband is running late and so you iron his shirt for him even though you are sick. Love is when you iron your own shirt because your wife is sick even though you are running late. I knew Jeff loved me when I had an emotional breakdown, didn’t know why and he still stuck by me. Jeff knew I loved him when we lost his DL, couldn’t work, shelterd himself in his house for weeks and I stuck by him. some one probably already gave you this but: “4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Crissie: Love is when your both aware and considerate of each other’s feelings, likes and dislikes. Love is when you can’t stay angry at each other. Love is doing the little things for each other because you want to put a smile on each other’s faces. Love is not having to tell each other what you want/need, but either already knowing or knowing when to ask. Love is maintaing the excitement of being around each other and doing things together. I’m not normally one to quote the bible, but: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4

Aaron: when you come to a point when you can’t imagine life without them in it. When after decades you still remember the way they looked the first time you saw them because it is the exact moment in time you knew you would love them for all time. It means when you send them emails, you don’t know when to shut up. It means you’re a crazy mess because of them, and you couldn’t be happier about it.

**********

To start with, I LOVE that a few of you quoted the Bible, whether you’re big on that or not. I really believe that it’s the best basis and definition of real, lasting love, that I’ve ever heard or found. Take that as you wish, but that’s my heart.

Now, my definition.

I by and large agree with Lydia, to start with. I firmly believe that love is a choice, that choosing to love your partner day in and day out, through hell and high water, is the greatest sacrifice and greatest privilege either of you can give or receive. It means sticking by them when things get hard, and then harder. It means not giving up on them when they are trying like hell to give up on themselves. It means waking up each day accepting the love they may (or may not, as the case may be) be showing you, and loving them regardless.

Yes, love is patient, love is kind. Love does not fail. Do many of us get to experience that kind of love? I don’t know for sure. I am certainly no expert, as I think we can all attest to by now. When my marriage failed, I swore I’d never let myself feel that way again. I’d never again make myself so vulnerable as to let one person crush me into bits again. I’d never again trust someone with those little broken pieces that should be my heart, ever again.

Months have passed, and yes, the wounds still ache if I pick at them. But I’ve learned to stop the picking. I’ve learned to stop the blaming, the hatred, the resentment. Do I always succeed at these goals? Hell no. I’m far from perfect, ask any of my exes. But I do want to FEEL again. I don’t want to be a frozen shell forever. I don’t think I will want to be alone forever, as much as it may scare me to death to ever think of letting someone in again. It will take a very special person. Have I met someone that could potentially thaw this Ice Queen? Maybe, maybe not. But all I’m saying is, I want to “rejoice in the truth” and live in the light. I can’t live this way forever, maybe today’s a good day to stop.

the doctor’s visit

[editor's note: this was written yesterday, and just now being finished and posted. That accounts for all the "today"s and "such.]

Caia has had thrush since this past Friday or so, and I took her in to the ped that same day. She’s been on Nystatin ever since, plus she has a yeast rash AGAIN. (Which we think is how she got the thrush, to begin with. One usually accompanies the other in babies.) She gets these frequently, which I hate because not only is she miserable, but the medication is $35 a pop. None of her doctors have ever told me why she gets them so often, or what I can do to prevent them. Besides the obvious – change her diapers frequently, which of course I do.

She woke up Sunday morning, hoarse as a 70 year old smoker. It continued through today, and the only reason I hadn’t taken her back in yet was because when I called her doctor’s office on Monday, the nurse told me it was likely related to the thrush and Tuesday’s babysitter said that she sounded fine. (She didn’t, but she underestimated what she actually sounds like, I think.) So today, I decide to take her back in just in case.

She’s gained four ounces since last Friday, which is a good thing since she has an official diagnosis of “slow weight gain”. As if I needed anything else to worry about, right? She’s currently 17 lbs, 5 oz. The doctor listened to her lungs and heart, checked her mouth, ears, etc. Then she started feeling around her abdomen like normal. Concern ran across her face, and she did it again. She then tells me that she can feel Caia’s liver a lot “better” than usual, especially since it should be under the ribcage at her age, that it feels a bit enlarged, and that we should do liver function tests just in case. I tried not to panic as all the horrible possibilities ran through my head in about 2.5 seconds.

I took her to the Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. They ran some blood tests, which she sat for beautifully. They called me back this afternoon and said they were normal, and that she would come back in for a follow up next week. The initial thought is that based on a few pieces of evidence, she is not digesting the Similac formula she’s always been on properly, and it’s affected her weight, to start with, and may be affecting her liver. She’s been switched to soy for two days, then will switch to Alimentum. I will be monitoring her in the meantime, and hoping for the best.

This is all just concerning, to say the least. Why couldn’t this have been noticed earlier – say, when she’s had the multiple yeast rashes, over and over and over again? I’m just infuriated, and frustrated for her. I just want my baby girl to be healthy and happy.

Protected: giving up

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Protected: what’s going on

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“sex, love, pain. some days they’re all the same.”

Image by Olga Gerrard

I go back and forth between emotions so fast, it’s given me whiplash. One day I’m okay, under control, downright freaking cheerful even. Then, something happens – usually I get a new piece of information – and I’m being slammed back against that wall again. I start all over again, and I want to scream.

I look back on those first few days, weeks, and I wonder how I made it out of that. I don’t remember anything but fighting to make it through the days, then coming apart at the seams at naptime and after she’s gone to bed at night. Each day blurred into the next; a haze of not eating, hating these four walls that constantly reminded me of him, taking down our pictures together and forcibly throwing them onto the shelf in the closet, losing nearly twenty pounds the first two weeks. Racking my brain like a crazy person of what happened? where the hell did I go wrong? what did I miss? Constantly ping-ponging back and forth between blaming him, and blaming myself. Feeling such bone-deep sorrow for my daughter and the loss of her intact family unit. Regret that I’m repeating my mother’s life and her mistakes. Hatred that I’m repeating my mother’s life and her mistakes.

Such incredible hatred I’ve never known before. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It was wrong, and awful, and bleak.

I’m out of that phase now, thank God above. I’m going through the grief stages over and over again, but never at that level of intensity anymore. I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. But I knew I had to keep it together, at least somewhat, to keep my daughter and keep her safe. She has always been my first priority.

Emotionally, I’m light years away from that. There are even days I consider the idea of dating again (shudder). I couldn’t stomach the idea of being attracted to anyone for a while, but now, if I feel that attraction to someone (and I do) I let myself feel it. Enjoy it. I may never act on it, at least not right now, but at least I can enjoy that lightheaded giddy, kid-in-a-candy-store feeling without the guilt anymore.

But – oh  my. The idea of dating is downright terrifying. I don’t do games. I hate games, and dating is mostly games nowadays. I want straightforward honesty, and headrush-inducing passion. At some point anyway. I know what I have been missing out on, and I want all of it. I want to enjoy it and soak it in.

It’s funny – I have an entire LIST of traits I have always wanted in someone, and the only two I can think of are honesty and deep attraction. And I’m not just talking physically – emotional and spiritual attraction are JUST as important. Without one, the other two just don’t matter.

Anyway, let’s move on.

The big move is impending, and C is not doing anything (right now, at least) to block it anymore. He knows I’m planning to get a lawyer in 4 weeks and file for the divorce finally. I would like to have it finalized before I move, but that’s, at best, six weeks later. I doubt it will be that quick, even uncontested.

More I want to say on this, but it will have to wait.

Love.

wrapped in a fairy tale

No matter what I do from here, no matter what choices I make, someone will end up hurt. I will lose someone, or a few someones. It’s no longer about me and C. It’s about me, LMC, and the future I’m getting ready to stumble my way into like a drunk.

Things were much easier five days ago, two weeks ago, and are probably easier right now than they will be three months from now. I wish I could go in detail and actually discuss any of this, but it’s better for all involved this way. I just needed somewhere to sort of vent for a second.

God, I have so many other things to write about, but there are large looming shadows in front of me, blocking my words. Just say a quick prayer for me, if you feel so inclined. And please, share in the comments if you need some prayer as well. I’d be glad to.

Letter to my Future Self

So much has happened in the last three months, and will be happening in the next three months, that I think we need to sit down and have a chat.

I want you to remember who you are, right now. I want you to look back and remember who you were. Then, think about who you want to be, both for yourself and for your daughter.

How do those three compare?

I know you have a fear of becoming someone you don’t like very much. I don’t want you to close yourself off from the possibilities awaiting you, just because of this fear. However, you must, must guard your heart as best you can. The Bible calls it the “wellspring of life”, for good reason.

You are strong, and weak. Brave, and scared to death. Loving, and yet you feel this sudden need to close yourself off from those around you. You feel that wall going up? Don’t overdo it. Guard yourself from those who would potentially do you or your daughter harm, yes. But don’t shut out the good ones. And girl, you know the good ones. They are the ones who’ve pulled together heaven and earth to help you out in tangible as well as intangible ways. There are a good few who’ve seen you cry, who’ve held your hands, who’ve dried your tears. There are even one or two who’ve seen you at your absolute worst, when you didn’t even recognize the face in the mirror. Hold these people close, but please, please – trust your instincts. When your gut tells you something isn’t right, listen to it. You are way too trusting sometimes, and though easy forgiveness is a good thing – not everyone deserves a second chance to break your heart…especially when they know all the buttons to push to get you back where they want you to be.

Keep believing deep down that there is good in everyone. Know that there is a God who loves you so much, He sent you a daily reminder in the face of that angel sleeping in the next room. Hold onto your little girl for dear life – she is the rope to cling to when the waters get rocky. Hold onto Him for the strength to rise up each day and begin anew.

Please stop regretting the past. You can’t change it, you must learn from it. You MUST move forward. You may have made some bad choices before now, but here is your golden opportunity being presented to you on a platter. Take it. Learn from it. Live each day with joy.

If you are given the opportunity to move back home, make good choices. Work hard, love your daughter, get involved in your old church right away. Be patient with C as he navigates what it will mean to have his daughter so far away. Help your friends who need your support as they are going through their own turmoil, but remember that guard on your heart. Know your boundaries and stick to them. Know when to say no, and when you are being stretched to your limit. There are only so many hours in a day, and you will miss these days when Caia is so small.

Please remember with all your heart, that sometimes there is no going back. That applies to all facets of your life.

Be comfortable with being single, and learn to navigate those waters with being a mother. Your first priority after your relationship with God, is your relationship with your daughter, and nothing comes before that, as you well know.

Get healthy. Start working out again, now. Eat better, for crying out loud. Kick the soda, drink more water. Get more sleep. Get off the internet once in a while. Go out for a walk/run/drive. Better yet, take one of your girlfriends with you – excellent bonding time. Read the Bible as much as you can. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

Forgive. Love. Bond. Sleep. Work. Play.

And it’s okay to sing again.

I Got a Blog Award!

I have three very different blogs I need to write, so I am going to start with this one first. I received my first blogging award(s)! Ali at My Life With Them and Becky at My Life Out of Focus gave me this:

The Honest Scrap Blogging award! Woohoo! I’ve been blogging since 2002 and this is my first one, so I am quite excited. Thanks ladies!

There are some guidelines to accepting/receiving this:

1) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
2) Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded the HONEST SCRAP AWARD and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
3) Share “10 Honest Things” about yourself.

So here goes:

1. I am a terrible “housewife”. I hate, HATE to clean. It’s likely that if I get a random visit from a friend, that there will be a soda can or two on my coffee table, mail on the arm of the chair, and baby toys everywhere. I am trying to work on this habit!
2. I’m dreadfully aware of the fact that I have put off going back to school fulltime, long enough.
3. I hate racism. It makes me extremely angry. If someone dares to (God forbid) mention the “N” word in front of me, I will not hesitate to make my opinion known. LOUDLY.
4. I used to be a pretty bad driver. I hung around a lot of people who were into fast cars and driving them that way, and that’s who taught me to drive. I have a couple of tickets and small fender benders under my belt. Much better these days, however.
5. Speaking of which, I love cars. LOVE them. Not a typical female in a lot of ways, and that is definitely one of them.
6. I have an unfortunate habit of clamming up when I’m going through something stressful. It’s usually written all over my face or body language, but I do not talk about it usually. Twitter is helping me change that.
7. I have been in perpetual pain most of my life. I was born with a gap in my lumbar spine, and have constant back pain. It’s manageable (read: I don’t take drugs for it), but it gets worse as I get older and now post-pregnancy. I kind of dread the future.
8. I used to want to be a singer/musician. REALLY badly. I used to write music and lyrics constantly; I’d scribble them down everywhere I went. I still have some of those journals. The dream died when I got married.
9. I do not have a relationship with my parents and my sister, only with my half-sister and brother, and one uncle and aunt. Most of my family is estranged on both sides, for good reasons. When I went to Indianapolis this past week, I spent some time with my mother’s half brother J, his wife S, and their six month old son L. It was much needed, and helped repair some of those broken ties.
10. I am extremely picky about food. My acceptable vegetable list includes anything with potatoes or corn. Which I use to excuse my French fry addiction.

Now I’m tagging seven people who I’d like to pass this along to!

• Krystle at Snarky Kisses
• Lu at Jaded Perspective
• Raychel at Favorite Mistakes
• Angel at The Mommy Tsunami
• Sarah at I’m Stepping Forward
• Kellan at The Fritz Factz
• Cara at The Bear and Roo

this may not be funny to anyone but me

The following conversation just took place on my Facebook after I posted the status of “TWITTER, HONESTLY.”, frustrated that Twitter was down for a time tonight.

Friend J: huh? Is this about my song outbursts?

Me: rofl. no, your outbursts actually made me laugh. twitter was down for a few minutes and we all just about had a heart attack. sign of an addiction. bahaha.

J: Why can’t you stick to normal addictions, like, you know, meth? Meth never sucked away people’s time like Twitter. Sure it killed some people, but those meth-heads got some stuff done.

Me: I know, right? At least with meth you get cool side effects. Twitter’s side effects are just twitchy eyelids and strokes.
(note to family members reading this: HI. I’M JUST KIDDING.)
Me: (wait, those are meth side effects too. DEEP SIGH.)

J: WHY DO DRUGS HAVE TO BE SO BAD???!!!?? Can’t there be something I can get addicted to that doesn’t end badly? (Not counting when I got addicted to weightlifting…do you know what characters work out at 2 a.m.?)

Me: I suddenly pictured the kind of characters that work out in masks and capes, and stalk around alleyways looking for criminals. Or something. -shrug-

J: Think that, except the exact opposite. You know the goons in 80’s movies that advance menacingly towards the protagonist? They all meet at the gym at 2 a.m. and then go to ihop for steak

Me: Sounds like a place you’d probably want to avoid, except when you had the shaggy hair and beard. I bet you fit right in :0)

J: I did. We all got together and lifted weights together, then advanced menacingly. Oh, and plotted to kill the Batman. I was 3rd goon on the left.

Me: So in other words, you were listed on the credits as “Goon 3″? If you tell me you got to work out next to the Joker on top of all that, I’ll be in awe.

J: Oh….I guess you didn’t hear then…Honey, Heath Ledger died….He’s in heaven with Sunny Rollins, Anne Frank Freddy Mercury, and Theodore Roosevelt. Think of it as a cultural-changing Avengers. With Jesus as Green Lantern. And I guess Lou Albano now too. Because, dammit, girls just wanna have fun.

Me: DAMN. Life sucks, man. And then you die, apparently.

J: Not exactly. It really depends on your look of things. You could either sulk and be all depressed about it. Or you can find the good parts of life. For example, children. She may be young and all smiles now, but soon she will grow up. Do you know what happens then? You can rent a moon-bounce. Even if you hate everything, no one hates a moon bounce.

Me: DUDE. I LOVE MOON BOUNCES.

J: and that is the key to life. I don’t know about you, but I am going to moon-bounce the hell out of my time on earth.

Me: Just because of this, I think I’m going to rent a moon bounce for Caia’s first birthday. Who cares if it’s December and she’s only a year old? IT’S A MOON BOUNCE.

J: I support and love this idea so much.

Me: You’re totally invited.

maybe God can be on both sides of the gun

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

From “The Invitation” by Oriah.