the doctor’s visit

[editor’s note: this was written yesterday, and just now being finished and posted. That accounts for all the “today”s and “such.]

Caia has had thrush since this past Friday or so, and I took her in to the ped that same day. She’s been on Nystatin ever since, plus she has a yeast rash AGAIN. (Which we think is how she got the thrush, to begin with. One usually accompanies the other in babies.) She gets these frequently, which I hate because not only is she miserable, but the medication is $35 a pop. None of her doctors have ever told me why she gets them so often, or what I can do to prevent them. Besides the obvious – change her diapers frequently, which of course I do.

She woke up Sunday morning, hoarse as a 70 year old smoker. It continued through today, and the only reason I hadn’t taken her back in yet was because when I called her doctor’s office on Monday, the nurse told me it was likely related to the thrush and Tuesday’s babysitter said that she sounded fine. (She didn’t, but she underestimated what she actually sounds like, I think.) So today, I decide to take her back in just in case.

She’s gained four ounces since last Friday, which is a good thing since she has an official diagnosis of “slow weight gain”. As if I needed anything else to worry about, right? She’s currently 17 lbs, 5 oz. The doctor listened to her lungs and heart, checked her mouth, ears, etc. Then she started feeling around her abdomen like normal. Concern ran across her face, and she did it again. She then tells me that she can feel Caia’s liver a lot “better” than usual, especially since it should be under the ribcage at her age, that it feels a bit enlarged, and that we should do liver function tests just in case. I tried not to panic as all the horrible possibilities ran through my head in about 2.5 seconds.

I took her to the Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. They ran some blood tests, which she sat for beautifully. They called me back this afternoon and said they were normal, and that she would come back in for a follow up next week. The initial thought is that based on a few pieces of evidence, she is not digesting the Similac formula she’s always been on properly, and it’s affected her weight, to start with, and may be affecting her liver. She’s been switched to soy for two days, then will switch to Alimentum. I will be monitoring her in the meantime, and hoping for the best.

This is all just concerning, to say the least. Why couldn’t this have been noticed earlier – say, when she’s had the multiple yeast rashes, over and over and over again? I’m just infuriated, and frustrated for her. I just want my baby girl to be healthy and happy.

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Protected: giving up

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Protected: what’s going on

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“sex, love, pain. some days they’re all the same.”

Image by Olga Gerrard

I go back and forth between emotions so fast, it’s given me whiplash. One day I’m okay, under control, downright freaking cheerful even. Then, something happens – usually I get a new piece of information – and I’m being slammed back against that wall again. I start all over again, and I want to scream.

I look back on those first few days, weeks, and I wonder how I made it out of that. I don’t remember anything but fighting to make it through the days, then coming apart at the seams at naptime and after she’s gone to bed at night. Each day blurred into the next; a haze of not eating, hating these four walls that constantly reminded me of him, taking down our pictures together and forcibly throwing them onto the shelf in the closet, losing nearly twenty pounds the first two weeks. Racking my brain like a crazy person of what happened? where the hell did I go wrong? what did I miss? Constantly ping-ponging back and forth between blaming him, and blaming myself. Feeling such bone-deep sorrow for my daughter and the loss of her intact family unit. Regret that I’m repeating my mother’s life and her mistakes. Hatred that I’m repeating my mother’s life and her mistakes.

Such incredible hatred I’ve never known before. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It was wrong, and awful, and bleak.

I’m out of that phase now, thank God above. I’m going through the grief stages over and over again, but never at that level of intensity anymore. I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. But I knew I had to keep it together, at least somewhat, to keep my daughter and keep her safe. She has always been my first priority.

Emotionally, I’m light years away from that. There are even days I consider the idea of dating again (shudder). I couldn’t stomach the idea of being attracted to anyone for a while, but now, if I feel that attraction to someone (and I do) I let myself feel it. Enjoy it. I may never act on it, at least not right now, but at least I can enjoy that lightheaded giddy, kid-in-a-candy-store feeling without the guilt anymore.

But – oh  my. The idea of dating is downright terrifying. I don’t do games. I hate games, and dating is mostly games nowadays. I want straightforward honesty, and headrush-inducing passion. At some point anyway. I know what I have been missing out on, and I want all of it. I want to enjoy it and soak it in.

It’s funny – I have an entire LIST of traits I have always wanted in someone, and the only two I can think of are honesty and deep attraction. And I’m not just talking physically – emotional and spiritual attraction are JUST as important. Without one, the other two just don’t matter.

Anyway, let’s move on.

The big move is impending, and C is not doing anything (right now, at least) to block it anymore. He knows I’m planning to get a lawyer in 4 weeks and file for the divorce finally. I would like to have it finalized before I move, but that’s, at best, six weeks later. I doubt it will be that quick, even uncontested.

More I want to say on this, but it will have to wait.

Love.

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wrapped in a fairy tale

No matter what I do from here, no matter what choices I make, someone will end up hurt. I will lose someone, or a few someones. It’s no longer about me and C. It’s about me, LMC, and the future I’m getting ready to stumble my way into like a drunk.

Things were much easier five days ago, two weeks ago, and are probably easier right now than they will be three months from now. I wish I could go in detail and actually discuss any of this, but it’s better for all involved this way. I just needed somewhere to sort of vent for a second.

God, I have so many other things to write about, but there are large looming shadows in front of me, blocking my words. Just say a quick prayer for me, if you feel so inclined. And please, share in the comments if you need some prayer as well. I’d be glad to.

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