Three hundred and sixty five days. That’s how long it’s been since my entire life, our entire life, changed forever.
I’m not certain when things started to go wrong. I’ve searched in my memories, in old journals and blog posts and conversations with close friends, and there doesn’t seem to be a definitive time of “THAT! Yes, that. That is when you should have left him.”
Regardless, one year has brought us to an entirely different place. A different state, a different relationship, a different and deeper love for someone else. A different heart, a different mindset. My child is different, and sometimes I wonder what she would have turned out to be had her father been the one to be by my side for the rest of her life to raise her. If my someone and I eventually married, she still would have a different life than what I had planned for her. How will this affect who she becomes?
How has it affected who I’ve become? I’m certainly nowhere near the same person I was. I love my child deeper, but it’s taken a lot longer to trust my someone the way he deserves. Somedays, I still question. I’ve tried to push him away again and again. But he loves me, wholeheartedly, baggage and all.
I had absolutely no intentions of getting into a relationship for months, possibly years after my husband and I split up. But this incredible person, this heart-shaped gem, this rare gift, found me. Chose me. Loved me. Inspired me to be better, to get better, and to continue getting better. I still have a long way to go, but with his guidance and support, as well as the love of the God I know in my heart, and the incredible friends I have in real-life and in the online world, I will not just survive: my daughter and I will thrive and be something, do something great.
I can’t imagine how tough this is. From a daughter’s perspective, though? I’ve thanked my mom for leaving my father because, with the aid of hindsight, I can see that the life I have now is far… better for me than what I likely would have had if she had stayed. (Or, in my dippy hippy heart, it all works out the way it’s *meant* to work out.
)
P.S. I think I love your someone for loving you so much. <3
Hi baby! I’m sorry to invade your blog space, but I feel that not only should you hear this, but everyone who reads your blog should too.
It’s true I do love you wholeheartedly, and everything you bring to my life, including your wonderful daughter. You were strong when I met you, and you get stronger everyday, and it’s because that’s who you are, not because of me. You have been exceptionally composed through the changes that your life has endured and should be proud of what you have accomplished. I am not all what you make me out to be, I am however what you help me to be. In this world as it today finding love like the love I have for you is a rare and cherished commodity. When I found you I knew that I should grab you and hold on to you for dear life, and never let go, guess what? I was right! You are beautiful, radiantly brilliant, funny, and everything I’ve been looking for in a partner my whole life. By the way I love the way you love me, how the sparkle in your eyes looks when you tell me you love me, how sometimes when I wake up you are looking at me and without speaking you tell me you love me. I’m not incredible, I am what you help me to be, and I love you like you DESERVE to be loved! Always.
Ok, thanks a LOT. Now I am SOBBING here.
So glad you found each other. You both deserve it. <3
Awwwwwwww! That was a totally worthy invasion of blog space!
oh honey. How lucky the two of you are to have found each other. To have someone put those thoughts to (virtual) paper so that you always have visual confirmation of how he feels about you…that is some kind of love.
And I will second what Chibi said. Knowing who my parents are & what their marriage was…my mom leaving was the best thing that could have happened. It may not be until she is much, much older, but one day, LMC will be able to see that you made the right decision for your family, & she will appreciate you for it.