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Archive for September, 2009

she says she talks to angels

I don’t want him back. But my God, do I miss him.

Some days it just seems like it hurts so much, I can’t take another second.

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Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around

We had another custody/support mediation this morning. It went well; significantly better for me than for him. The current situation has been that he is paying the bills still, and giving me money each week for child support, groceries, etc. He had it estimated to X amount per month, and for a lot of reasons, is apparently willing to continue down that route. Thus, the agreement stands that he will continue to pay X amount per month in support, and he’s agreed – though it’s not in writing – to continue paying the bills. They are all in his name anyway but for the cable, so there’s really no reason for him to stop paying on them. It would hurt his credit, and that’s the last thing he wants. I know it sounds like a loophole, but I really don’t think he would stop, and if he does, I’ll take him back to court for the full amount.

If it’s a broken part, replace it
But, if it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

As far as my moving to Indiana is concerned: he and the mediator both seemed surprised that I was still wanting to go, and he then stated that he wouldn’t even have asked for the meeting had he known. How could he NOT know? He knows I don’t want to stay here, under any circumstances.

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

I made it quite clear what my intentions are, and what my options are for once I get there. I have the possibility of a job, I have definite childcare, and plenty of housing possibilities. The mediator kept trying to tell me that it would be a difficult argument, taking her away from her father and all. But I just stood my ground, and I think I irritated her. But really – did they just expect I would just roll over and give up once they told me it would be hard? I’m a lot more tenacious than that, and this is what I feel is best for both LMC and I.

I brought up the fact that there is no real reason, other than his job, that he couldn’t follow us there eventually. We packed up everything and moved from Indy to here four years ago, and it took him a year to get hired with the fire department here. Yes, it was a long process, but why couldn’t he do it again to see his daughter, when all he’d have left here is that job? No family, only a few friends. But regardless, what he does, doesn’t do, or could do, is not part of  my argument to the judge. I just have to prove that I can make a better life for her there.

I have to file a motion in likely October, to get a hearing and present my case in time enough to move. That doesn’t give me much time

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

I dropped the restraining order last week in court. I really had no other choice; it’s difficult to explain publicly, so I won’t.

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

There are so many other things going on that I wish I could discuss. Maybe I will later, in another protected post. I have had a lot of decisions to make lately, and even a few more interesting ones that don’t have anything to do with my divorce, thankfully. I will just say – people come into your life for a reason. Certain timing, for a reason. I’m going to enjoy being single for quite some time, but it would be nice to know if I do end up with someone wonderful someday. I would like the feeling of being precious to someone, again.

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

It’s a hard road I am walking, but I am not doing it alone. First and foremost, there is Someone watching over me at all times. Then, He’s brought me an absurd amount of wonderful new friends, whom I feel like I’ve known forever. I couldn’t say enough good things about these gals, besides the fact that I hope you yourself are blessed to be loved by wonderful people, too. We all deserve kindness, friendship, and community. We were made for “community”, as a good Book once told me.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

I am just trying to remember and hold on to the fact that I am not alone, wherever I go.

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I need some serious prayers tomorrow/today. I’ve got another mediation appointment with C, and I have to get these things accomplished. We are trying to avoid court, which is next week; which I will have to get continued, if I can, and I can’t just keep waiting around for a time to make these decisions. I need this over with. It’s not a divorce hearing we’re trying to avoid, it’s the custody/support battle. And it is a battle, I will admit.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of turmoil. I just want, I NEED, peace. I need to move on with my life and be happy again. I have to stop the hurt before I drown in it.

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Tonight, in the parking lot of the grocery store, I was pulling out of the lot headed towards home. An attractive guy in the truck across from me smiled, and I smiled back. It felt like something in my chest broke wide open.

It felt really, really good.

Real post coming later, I promise; hopefully tonight.

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I was giving LMC a bath tonight, just marveling. She was sitting up on her own, splashing about and giggling every time she soaked herself or me with buckets of water from flailing little fists. I managed to grab a couple of pictures and a video with my cell phone; lousy quality of course.

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Suddenly it struck me how unfair it is that her father was not here to see her progress.

In the last few days, it’s like I’m beginning, again, the grieving process. I want to scream, to cry (which I’ve done a few times the last two or three days), and to hole up in my soft bed and keep the covers over my head. I don’t know how other women have gone through this and survived – how do you grieve and begin to heal while raising your children at the same time; especially when protecting them from any of this is your top priority?

People ask me every day, “how are you doing?” “how was today?” “anything changed?” and I just don’t know how to answer them. My standard answer is “yep, I’m okay. Just one day at a time.” I mean, what else is there to say? No one wants to hear the truth, even if you ask for it.

I’m grieving for what was lost, for what was, for what could have been, and what will never be. LMC will never have full siblings; only half, if I’m lucky enough to meet someone again. They most likely will not be very close together, which breaks my heart because my sister and I are 8 years apart; I felt like I raised her, instead of being her sister. I wanted my kids close together – going to the same schools at the same time, hopefully being best friends as well as tormenting each other.

I’m missing what I never even had.

****

This afternoon, I found out my wonderful godmother has passed away. You want to know the saddest part? I haven’t seen her since 2005, when I was introducing her to my then-fiance, soon-to-be husband. We spoke a few times that year, especially after I found out she had breast cancer. But I moved three states away, got married, and we lost touch. I have regretted that ever since. But the worst part – she passed away October of 2007. The only reason I even know now that she’s gone, is because I randomly Googled her today to see if I could find anything in a church bulletin about her, etc…and I found an obituary.

This woman was there when I was baptized, she was there to run to when my mother made me crazy, and later when I had to leave; she was there at all of my choir concerts and school events in high school, and every year she got my sister and me the cheesiest, corniest Christmas gifts. They were usually things like Hallmark ornaments or latchhook rugs, that sort of thing. But we loved them because we loved her. We adored her and her husband. Then, I just lost touch. I will forever feel guilty. I wasn’t there when she was sick. I wasn’t there to hold her hand in the hospital. I wasn’t there to kiss her goodbye and tell her how much I loved and appreciated her. Now she’s gone, and I can’t do any of that.

I have just had enough of losing.

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Wordless Wednesday

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