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Archive for October, 2009

Letter to my Future Self

So much has happened in the last three months, and will be happening in the next three months, that I think we need to sit down and have a chat.

I want you to remember who you are, right now. I want you to look back and remember who you were. Then, think about who you want to be, both for yourself and for your daughter.

How do those three compare?

I know you have a fear of becoming someone you don’t like very much. I don’t want you to close yourself off from the possibilities awaiting you, just because of this fear. However, you must, must guard your heart as best you can. The Bible calls it the “wellspring of life”, for good reason.

You are strong, and weak. Brave, and scared to death. Loving, and yet you feel this sudden need to close yourself off from those around you. You feel that wall going up? Don’t overdo it. Guard yourself from those who would potentially do you or your daughter harm, yes. But don’t shut out the good ones. And girl, you know the good ones. They are the ones who’ve pulled together heaven and earth to help you out in tangible as well as intangible ways. There are a good few who’ve seen you cry, who’ve held your hands, who’ve dried your tears. There are even one or two who’ve seen you at your absolute worst, when you didn’t even recognize the face in the mirror. Hold these people close, but please, please – trust your instincts. When your gut tells you something isn’t right, listen to it. You are way too trusting sometimes, and though easy forgiveness is a good thing – not everyone deserves a second chance to break your heart…especially when they know all the buttons to push to get you back where they want you to be.

Keep believing deep down that there is good in everyone. Know that there is a God who loves you so much, He sent you a daily reminder in the face of that angel sleeping in the next room. Hold onto your little girl for dear life – she is the rope to cling to when the waters get rocky. Hold onto Him for the strength to rise up each day and begin anew.

Please stop regretting the past. You can’t change it, you must learn from it. You MUST move forward. You may have made some bad choices before now, but here is your golden opportunity being presented to you on a platter. Take it. Learn from it. Live each day with joy.

If you are given the opportunity to move back home, make good choices. Work hard, love your daughter, get involved in your old church right away. Be patient with C as he navigates what it will mean to have his daughter so far away. Help your friends who need your support as they are going through their own turmoil, but remember that guard on your heart. Know your boundaries and stick to them. Know when to say no, and when you are being stretched to your limit. There are only so many hours in a day, and you will miss these days when Caia is so small.

Please remember with all your heart, that sometimes there is no going back. That applies to all facets of your life.

Be comfortable with being single, and learn to navigate those waters with being a mother. Your first priority after your relationship with God, is your relationship with your daughter, and nothing comes before that, as you well know.

Get healthy. Start working out again, now. Eat better, for crying out loud. Kick the soda, drink more water. Get more sleep. Get off the internet once in a while. Go out for a walk/run/drive. Better yet, take one of your girlfriends with you – excellent bonding time. Read the Bible as much as you can. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

Forgive. Love. Bond. Sleep. Work. Play.

And it’s okay to sing again.

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I Got a Blog Award!

I have three very different blogs I need to write, so I am going to start with this one first. I received my first blogging award(s)! Ali at My Life With Them and Becky at My Life Out of Focus gave me this:

HonestScrap

The Honest Scrap Blogging award! Woohoo! I’ve been blogging since 2002 and this is my first one, so I am quite excited. Thanks ladies!

There are some guidelines to accepting/receiving this:

1) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
2) Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded the HONEST SCRAP AWARD and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
3) Share “10 Honest Things” about yourself.

So here goes:

  1. I am a terrible “housewife”. I hate, HATE to clean. It’s likely that if I get a random visit from a friend, that there will be a soda can or two on my coffee table, mail on the arm of the chair, and baby toys everywhere. I am trying to work on this habit!
  2. I’m dreadfully aware of the fact that I have put off going back to school fulltime, long enough.
  3. I hate racism. It makes me extremely angry. If someone dares to (God forbid) mention the “N” word in front of me, I will not hesitate to make my opinion known. LOUDLY.
  4. I used to be a pretty bad driver. I hung around a lot of people who were into fast cars and driving them that way, and that’s who taught me to drive. I have a couple of tickets and small fender benders under my belt. Much better these days, however.
  5. Speaking of which, I love cars. LOVE them. Not a typical female in a lot of ways, and that is definitely one of them.
  6. I have an unfortunate habit of clamming up when I’m going through something stressful. It’s usually written all over my face or body language, but I do not talk about it usually. Twitter is helping me change that.
  7. I have been in perpetual pain most of my life. I was born with a gap in my lumbar spine, and have constant back pain. It’s manageable (read: I don’t take drugs for it), but it gets worse as I get older and now post-pregnancy. I kind of dread the future.
  8. I used to want to be a singer/musician. REALLY badly. I used to write music and lyrics constantly; I’d scribble them down everywhere I went. I still have some of those journals. The dream died when I got married.
  9. I do not have a relationship with my parents and my sister, only with my half-sister and brother, and one uncle and aunt. Most of my family is estranged on both sides, for good reasons. When I went to Indianapolis this past week, I spent some time with my mother’s half brother J, his wife S, and their six month old son L. It was much needed, and helped repair some of those broken ties.
  10. I am extremely picky about food. My acceptable vegetable list includes anything with potatoes or corn. Which I use to excuse my French fry addiction.

Now I’m tagging seven people who I’d like to pass this along to!

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The following conversation just took place on my Facebook after I posted the status of “TWITTER, HONESTLY.”, frustrated that Twitter was down for a time tonight.

Friend J: huh? Is this about my song outbursts?

Me: rofl. no, your outbursts actually made me laugh. twitter was down for a few minutes and we all just about had a heart attack. sign of an addiction. bahaha.

J: Why can’t you stick to normal addictions, like, you know, meth? Meth never sucked away people’s time like Twitter. Sure it killed some people, but those meth-heads got some stuff done.

Me: I know, right? At least with meth you get cool side effects. Twitter’s side effects are just twitchy eyelids and strokes.
(note to family members reading this: HI. I’M JUST KIDDING.)
Me: (wait, those are meth side effects too. DEEP SIGH.)

J: WHY DO DRUGS HAVE TO BE SO BAD???!!!?? Can’t there be something I can get addicted to that doesn’t end badly? (Not counting when I got addicted to weightlifting…do you know what characters work out at 2 a.m.?)

Me: I suddenly pictured the kind of characters that work out in masks and capes, and stalk around alleyways looking for criminals. Or something. -shrug-

J: Think that, except the exact opposite. You know the goons in 80’s movies that advance menacingly towards the protagonist? They all meet at the gym at 2 a.m. and then go to ihop for steak

Me: Sounds like a place you’d probably want to avoid, except when you had the shaggy hair and beard. I bet you fit right in :0)

J: I did. We all got together and lifted weights together, then advanced menacingly. Oh, and plotted to kill the Batman. I was 3rd goon on the left.

Me: So in other words, you were listed on the credits as “Goon 3”? If you tell me you got to work out next to the Joker on top of all that, I’ll be in awe.

J: Oh….I guess you didn’t hear then…Honey, Heath Ledger died….He’s in heaven with Sunny Rollins, Anne Frank Freddy Mercury, and Theodore Roosevelt. Think of it as a cultural-changing Avengers. With Jesus as Green Lantern. And I guess Lou Albano now too. Because, dammit, girls just wanna have fun.

Me: DAMN. Life sucks, man. And then you die, apparently.

J: Not exactly. It really depends on your look of things. You could either sulk and be all depressed about it. Or you can find the good parts of life. For example, children. She may be young and all smiles now, but soon she will grow up. Do you know what happens then? You can rent a moon-bounce. Even if you hate everything, no one hates a moon bounce.

Me: DUDE. I LOVE MOON BOUNCES.

J: and that is the key to life. I don’t know about you, but I am going to moon-bounce the hell out of my time on earth.

Me: Just because of this, I think I’m going to rent a moon bounce for Caia’s first birthday. Who cares if it’s December and she’s only a year old? IT’S A MOON BOUNCE.

J: I support and love this idea so much.

Me: You’re totally invited.

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It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

From “The Invitation” by Oriah.

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