Archive for May, 2011

I Can’t Take It

I had a dream the other night, of my daughter coming home with me. It was so real and so detailed, I’d lay my hand on a Bible and swear to its actuality. I woke up with a broken heart, yet again.

There is nothing I can do, nothing I can throw myself into, to fill the huge gaping void of her absence. I think about her constantly – especially at work, when it’s just a lonely monotonous routine and I have no other way to occupy my mind. The last time I saw my baby girl, I was putting her down for a nap at her father’s house, on her second birthday. I kissed her chipmunk cheeks, ran my fingers through her golden brown hair, and told her I loved her and to have sweet dreams. She curled up on her side and closed her eyes, content to have Mommy help her drift off to sleep, like was our former routine.

I miss her so badly that it’s killing me every day. I feel like I’m swimming against a current of grief and I’m losing. I’m trying to hold on; I’m trying like hell to get up every day and keep going. To keep smiling, acting like everything’s okay when really, I’m losing my mind every day that I don’t get to see her, hug her, kiss her, laugh at her funny little ways of saying things. I’m so very, very sick of always losing.

My own mother isn’t worth honoring on Mother’s Day. She was/is cold, abusive, and uncaring. She gave me life; but the only other thing I will ever give her credit for, is teaching me what kind of mother I DON’T want to be. My child is my heart and soul; the very most precious part of me. She is what I will honor on Mother’s Day; for making me a mother. I’d do anything, ANYTHING to get her back. I just have to find a way to hold on to life until that day comes.


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