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Archive for the ‘my someone’ Category

One Year.

Three hundred and sixty five days. That’s how long it’s been since my entire life, our entire life, changed forever.

I’m not certain when things started to go wrong. I’ve searched in my memories, in old journals and blog posts and conversations with close friends, and there doesn’t seem to be a definitive time of “THAT! Yes, that. That is when you should have left him.”

Regardless, one year has brought us to an entirely different place. A different state, a different relationship, a different and deeper love for someone else. A different heart, a different mindset. My child is different, and sometimes I wonder what she would have turned out to be had her father been the one to be by my side for the rest of her life to raise her. If my someone and I eventually married, she still would have a different life than what I had planned for her. How will this affect who she becomes?

How has it affected who I’ve become? I’m certainly nowhere near the same person I was. I love my child deeper, but it’s taken a lot longer to trust my someone the way he deserves. Somedays, I still question. I’ve tried to push him away again and again. But he loves me, wholeheartedly, baggage and all.

I had absolutely  no intentions of getting into a relationship for months, possibly years after my husband and I split up. But this incredible person, this heart-shaped gem, this rare gift, found me. Chose me. Loved me. Inspired me to be better, to get better, and to continue getting better. I still have a long way to go, but with his guidance and support, as well as the love of the God I know in my heart, and the incredible friends I have in real-life and in the online world, I will not just survive: my daughter and I will thrive and be something, do something great.

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Moving On

He makes me smile.

He does little things, like bring me flowers for no reason. Leaves sweet cards in my car. He sends me long, rambling text messages that make me swoon. He made me one heck of a dinner tonight.

I’m scared.

I know better than to hope, to tie a string around this happiness and let it float me away. I have to keep my feet on the ground; lest I lose all sense of reality and think that “maybe, just maybe, I can be happy this time. Maybe this time will actually be the one that works.” Maybe I’m not dreaming.

I know how I feel, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know I love this man more than I could put into words. I know he never fails to show me how much he loves me in return. He’s been trying for months; finally, I’m starting to believe it. It’s scary as hell, and fills me with a childlike giddiness at the same time.

We’ve gone through a tremendous amount of stress together thus far, particularly in the last two months. Outside stressors as well as inside. I’ve even gone so far as to try and end things at least once; for his sake. I’ve asked him on many occasions if he’s “sure”, and I always get the same answer in return.

He is kind, compassionate, creative, wickedly intelligent, has a great sense of humor, and has endless amounts of patience for all my crazy. Which is a lot, sad to say. -grin-

I’m working through my feelings from my divorce, and will be entering counseling shortly. I don’t want any baggage coming between us, and as there are kids in the picture (I have one, he has two) I want to be the healthiest person I can be, for myself, for him, and for our children. I want this to work; I want us to be as ridiculously happy as possible. I want a new start.

He makes me smile.

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