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The Door

“…this empty cathedral, where your face stains the windows.”

The absurdity of loss. The uninterrupted moment of a physical ache in the abdomen, like the wound it is. Sometimes all you can do is take a breath in, and hold it. Count to five, and hope to God you can’t let it go.

Choices, choices, choices. Excuses, a day without meaning. Into the void. There’s nothing like the knowledge that another day has gone by, with no words, no calls, no little kisses. The guilt stacks up, the pain ravages another good memory. Your face is everywhere. Your scent is still wrapped in tear-soaked fabric, a door I can’t open and stays bitter. Eventually, everything beautiful lets go.


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I Can’t Take It

I had a dream the other night, of my daughter coming home with me. It was so real and so detailed, I’d lay my hand on a Bible and swear to its actuality. I woke up with a broken heart, yet again.

There is nothing I can do, nothing I can throw myself into, to fill the huge gaping void of her absence. I think about her constantly – especially at work, when it’s just a lonely monotonous routine and I have no other way to occupy my mind. The last time I saw my baby girl, I was putting her down for a nap at her father’s house, on her second birthday. I kissed her chipmunk cheeks, ran my fingers through her golden brown hair, and told her I loved her and to have sweet dreams. She curled up on her side and closed her eyes, content to have Mommy help her drift off to sleep, like was our former routine.

I miss her so badly that it’s killing me every day. I feel like I’m swimming against a current of grief and I’m losing. I’m trying to hold on; I’m trying like hell to get up every day and keep going. To keep smiling, acting like everything’s okay when really, I’m losing my mind every day that I don’t get to see her, hug her, kiss her, laugh at her funny little ways of saying things. I’m so very, very sick of always losing.

My own mother isn’t worth honoring on Mother’s Day. She was/is cold, abusive, and uncaring. She gave me life; but the only other thing I will ever give her credit for, is teaching me what kind of mother I DON’T want to be. My child is my heart and soul; the very most precious part of me. She is what I will honor on Mother’s Day; for making me a mother. I’d do anything, ANYTHING to get her back. I just have to find a way to hold on to life until that day comes.

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She likes to play in the empty spaces.

The bare half of the closet, the empty painted spare bedroom, behind the kitchen table where extra boxes used to be hidden away.

If only I could find the same delight in places devoid of personality, preference, or creativity.

But instead…all I feel is an ache.

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Via weheartit.

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So a few days ago, I posted a question for you guys to answer. “What does love mean to you?” inspired by a recent posting by a writer I like. I was anxious to read the results, because love means something different to everyone. There was also a secondary question, that some of you answered, “If you are in a relationship, how did you know and when?”

Here are your responses:

Melissa M: Love, to me, is chemistry plus honesty, communication, respect and trust.

Chris: Love’s definition: The desire to change everything about yourself for someone who wouldn’t change a thing about you.

Tory: Love is the greatest thing you can feel for someone and it is the greatest feeling when it is returned. A part of me fell in love with Warren as soon as I laid eyes on him that night that you and Chris introduced us. I’m so glad we ended up together. He is the love of my life.

Mike: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” ~Eph 5:25. Find a man that makes you feel like this everyday of your life, and you’ll know what true love is 🙂

Luciana: Ok, let’s see. I was pretty sure M was the one on our first date. It was a big group of us though. So later that week we went on a double date and I laughed and like touched his leg and there were sparks. He looked at me at that moment and we never looked back.
3 months later 1/2 my family died and he stepped up as the man in the family. (I could take up your WHOLE page going on about this.)
So love to me is self-less, devoted, passionate, all encompassing, ever changing, EASY(though not always, mostly we have and easy relationship, we MAKE it that way), constant forgiveness, and never waisting too much time doing anything but loving each other and never going to bed (or anywhere) angry.
I suck at short answers. (and no, Lu, I loved this answer. Perfect. =) )

Warren: Love is a bond. A commitment to want that person to be apart of your life. A daily choice to do your best to improve their life that day. A never ending learning experience about the one you love. I knew I loved Tory about 14 months into my over seas tour. When I called her she always talked to me. She always wanted to be with me. That was the most awesome thing because I was on the other side of the world from her.

Stephanie R: Hmmm. I honestly don’t remember when I knew I was in love with Steve, and we first said our “I love you”s when I was just 16…not that you can’t know what love is then, but I’m pretty sure we both have different, probably more accurate definitions of what it means to be in love now. I feel like love is seeing yourself spending the rest of your life around that person despite the flaws, but recognizing that there are flaws there – no one is perfect, you or your significant other. Also, Steve is the one person that I can feel like I can be completely 100% myself around, regardless of the situation. I think that’s pretty important.

Lydia: Love is not something you go “In” and “Out” of. Love is a choice not a feeling. Love is when your husband is running late and so you iron his shirt for him even though you are sick. Love is when you iron your own shirt because your wife is sick even though you are running late. I knew Jeff loved me when I had an emotional breakdown, didn’t know why and he still stuck by me. Jeff knew I loved him when we lost his DL, couldn’t work, shelterd himself in his house for weeks and I stuck by him. 🙂 some one probably already gave you this but: “4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Crissie: Love is when your both aware and considerate of each other’s feelings, likes and dislikes. Love is when you can’t stay angry at each other. Love is doing the little things for each other because you want to put a smile on each other’s faces. Love is not having to tell each other what you want/need, but either already knowing or knowing when to ask. Love is maintaing the excitement of being around each other and doing things together. I’m not normally one to quote the bible, but: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4

Aaron: when you come to a point when you can’t imagine life without them in it. When after decades you still remember the way they looked the first time you saw them because it is the exact moment in time you knew you would love them for all time. It means when you send them emails, you don’t know when to shut up. It means you’re a crazy mess because of them, and you couldn’t be happier about it.


To start with, I LOVE that a few of you quoted the Bible, whether you’re big on that or not. I really believe that it’s the best basis and definition of real, lasting love, that I’ve ever heard or found. Take that as you wish, but that’s my heart.

Now, my definition.

I by and large agree with Lydia, to start with. I firmly believe that love is a choice, that choosing to love your partner day in and day out, through hell and high water, is the greatest sacrifice and greatest privilege either of you can give or receive. It means sticking by them when things get hard, and then harder. It means not giving up on them when they are trying like hell to give up on themselves. It means waking up each day accepting the love they may (or may not, as the case may be) be showing you, and loving them regardless.

Yes, love is patient, love is kind. Love does not fail. Do many of us get to experience that kind of love? I don’t know for sure. I am certainly no expert, as I think we can all attest to by now. When my marriage failed, I swore I’d never let myself feel that way again. I’d never again make myself so vulnerable as to let one person crush me into bits again. I’d never again trust someone with those little broken pieces that should be my heart, ever again.

Months have passed, and yes, the wounds still ache if I pick at them. But I’ve learned to stop the picking. I’ve learned to stop the blaming, the hatred, the resentment. Do I always succeed at these goals? Hell no. I’m far from perfect, ask any of my exes. 😉 But I do want to FEEL again. I don’t want to be a frozen shell forever. I don’t think I will want to be alone forever, as much as it may scare me to death to ever think of letting someone in again. It will take a very special person. Have I met someone that could potentially thaw the ice? Maybe, maybe not. But all I’m saying is, I want to “rejoice in the truth” and live in the light. I can’t live this way forever, maybe today’s a good day to stop.

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Protected: giving up

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Protected: what’s going on

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